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TEACHER: How can you know whether a monkey is a male or a female?

STUDENT: Easy. If you see a monkey, throw a banana. If he eats, it's a male. If she eats it, it's a female.

bulletWhat is a kangaroo's favourite year?
bulletLeap year.

The Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak, the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair and the American President, George Bush, were having a meeting.

George Bush was seen touching his ear and murmuring frequently.

"What are you doing?" the other 2 leaders asked him.

"Nothing. This is just a new technology from my country which allows me to communicate with my advisors back home," replied George.

Then, Tony was seen touching his throat and murmuring frequently.

"What are you doing?" the other 2 leaders asked him.

"Nothing. This is just a new technology from my country which allows me to talk to my relatives back home," replied Tony.

Hosni was embarrassed. Everyone had his own technology except him. There is no new technology in his country. He had to do something.

Hosni Mubarak suddenly collected all of the papers, documents and maps, put them in his mouth and swallowed them immediately.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!" the other 2 leaders were shocked.

"Nothing. Just sending a fax to Egypt."

bullet.Which runs faster, hot or cold?
bulletHot, anyone can catch a cold.

bulletWhat's stranger than seeing a catfish?
bulletSeeing a goldfish bowl.

George: My wife read “The Three Musketeers” 

and she gave birth to 3 children.

Bill: My wife read “Famous Five” 

and she gave birth to 5 children.

Hassaballah: Oh my God! My wife is

reading “Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves!”

bulletWhat do you get when you cross a baseball player with a boy scout?
bulletSomeone who likes to pitch tents.

bulletWhat do cows give after an earthquake?
bulletMilk shakes.

bulletWhat happens if a group of elephants step on Batman and Robin?
bulletThey'll become Flatman and Ribbon.

bulletWhat do you call a spy in a shampoo?
bulletbubble-o-seven.

bulletHow can you put an ant in a fridge?
bulletOpen the door and put the ant in.

 What are the 4 steps of putting an elephant in a fridge?
 

1. Open the fridge.

2. Take out the ant.

3. Put the elephant in.

4. (OPTIONAL) Close the fridge.

bulletIf two is company and three is a crowd, what is four and five?
bulletNine.

bulletMan:-I want to give myself to you.
bulletWoman:-Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

bulletHow come golfers wear two pairs of shoes?
bulletBecause they might get a hole in one.

bulletMan:-I know how to please a woman.
bulletWoman:-Then please leave me alone.

STRANGER: It's better for your health to leave your window opened. You let in fresh air.

PERSON: Why, are you a doctor?

STRANGER: No, I am a thief.

bulletWhat do you call a frozen policeman?
bulletA copsicle.

bulletWhat kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
bulletBoo boos.

Once there was an American guy waiting in a desert for a taxi to send him to the White House.

A taxi driver saw him. 

Taxi driver: Oh, no! He is an American! He will talk a lot."

The American entered the taxi. The taxi driver decided to tell him a riddle to keep him quiet.:

Taxi Driver: "He is the son of my father and mother but he is not my brother. Who is he?"

The American thought of an answer to the riddle. After 4 hours, when the journey ended, the American did not find the answer.

American: I give up, I don't know the answer.

Taxi Driver: The son of my father and mother and is not my brother is ...me

American: Aaah! That is quite clever!

The American went to the White House and met all of the members of the American Congress there.

American: I will ask you a question, if you don't answer it, I will become the President of the United States of America!

People: What is the question?

American: He is the son of my father and mother, but he is not my brother. Who is he?

Everyone started thinking. Some of them started making a research. But no one found the answer.

People: We give up! Tell us the answer!

American: OK! The son of my father and mother and is not my brother is..... the Taxi driver!"

bulletWhat did the rug say to the floor?
bulletI've got you covered.

bulletWhat do birds say on Halloween?
bulletTrick or tweet.

George: I have a plan to run away from prison!

Bill: What is it?

George: We punch the guard and run away.

When George and Bill went out, they didn't find a guard.

George: Oh no! The plan failed!

bulletHow do you make friends with a computer?
bullet

Bit by bit.

An American man told an English man," I have a car, so I am much better than you!" The English man thought for a while, then he bought a car and said, "Both of us have cars, so we're equal." The American man bought a plane and said, "I have a plane and you don't, so I'm better than you!" The English man thought for a while, then he bought a plane and said,"Both of us have planes, so we're equal." The American man bought a cat and said, "I have a cat, so I am much better than you!" The English man bought a cat and said,"Both of us have cats, so we're equal!" The American man thought for a while and said," Ahaaa! I am much better than you!" "Why?" "Because my neighbour is an English man and your neighbour is an American man!"

bullet Who always goes to bed with shoes on?
bullet A horse.

bulletWhy do ghosts like health food?
bulletBecause it's super natural.

bullet Why would anyone hire an elephant?
bullet Because they like to work for peanuts. .

bullet What's the longest word?
bullet Elastic band!

bulletWhy did the fly dance on top of the pickle jar?
bulletBecause it said twist to open.

bulletWhere do cows go on Saturday nights?
bulletTo the moo-vies.

bullet What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
bullet A pouch potato.

bullet How do you tell someone that they are really ugly?
bullet You are so ugly the tide won't go out with you.

bullet How can your pocket be empty and still have something in it?
bullet When it has a hole in it.

bulletWhy did the baker rob the bank?
bulletHe needed the dough.

bullet Why did the farmer feed his cows money?
bullet He wanted rich milk.

bullet What should you do if your dog is missing?
bullet Check the lost and hound.

bullet What kind of truck do ballerinas drive?
bullet Toe trucks.

bulletWhat do the moon and false teeth have in common?
bulletThey both come out at night.

bulletWhat is green and pecks on trees?
bulletWoody wood pickle.

bulletWhy did the old man put his car in the oven?
bulletHe wanted a hot rod.

bulletWhy did the prisoner want to get measles?
bulletSo he could break out.

bullet What do astronauts eat for dinner?
bullet Launch meat.

bullet What do you call a deer with no eyes?
bullet Have no ideer.

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